"Unprovoked attack: man stabbed in buttock"

Now who could stifle a snigger at that? I love how it's a singular 'buttock'. God, poor guy. Getting mugged AND THEN having to deal with a humiliating headline.

Opening up the pages of a newly-borrowed library book, i was hit with a foul odour rising from the pages. Where was the motive in this olfactory insult? It should be used to people opening up its chambers and exploring its internal anatomy of words. In fact, that's all it's useful for. It seems (i believe from its shiny cover and not yet yellowed pages) it still needs time to accept its role. Maybe it wanted to be a teacup instead, and so inflicts its woes to gain a bitter satisfaction in universal moroseness. Perhaps it is in the rebellion teenage stage of book life, and has an urge to aggravate and affront everyone around it.

anyhoo. I shall restore my writings to 'sense', or at least the dominant perception of sense.
I wonder how such a stench imbibed itself in the pages?
Any idea?
...(allows a polite silence, although the agitation in her demeanor indicates that her impatience to say something would cut your contribution off anyway)
I have a theory!
They printed on pages made of recycled toilet paper. [Now, i don't even know if there is such thing as recycled toilet paper, although with these environmentally conscious times, i wouldn't rule out the possibility.] However, there was *gasp* some malfunction in the purification plant. Under the very (acclimatised) noses of the shit-plant employees, toilet paper travelled into the chute, and then out of the chute STILL WITH DEFINITE TRACES OF HUMAN EFFLUENCE!!! And they went to the printing factory, where the workers were too busy inhaling pino-fresh to notice anything unusual.
And now this novel has made its way to me, to make indignant my sense of smell.

*chortle* did i say i would revert to sense?

hmm. holidays. Holi-days. Holi days. Holy days. That's where the word came from doncha know. It's amazing how many words have religious origins. Like for example: babble. The word came from that Genesis story of Babylon. Here, Genesis, chpater 11, verse 7-9:

"Come, let us go down, and confuse their language there, so that they will not understand one another's speech. So the Lord scattered them abroad from there over the faceof all the earth and they left off building the city. Therefore it was called Ba'bel..."

I've become very interested in the bible. I wrote that passage all from memory you know. It has become a little goal of mine to memorise Genesis before Christmas. It is the least i can do for the Lord.
...
HAHHAHA!
please don't tell me you believed me. Although, you've got to give credit- i went all the two steps over the to bookshelf to reach up (oh the effort) and grab Amy's old school bible. My past self wouldn't have thought i would have been bothered to be so resourceful.

Ah! Naked is I! where is my watch? I feel so bare...I must depart!

*vanishes mysteriously with a puff of purple smoke and leaving behind a thoughtful smell of sulphur*