The Turning

Tim Winton is my idol. His books are amazing. I'm reading "The Turning" at the moment. I never knew stories could be packed with so much intensity. God, it's as though his words have more life than reality. Than life itself. I suppose that merely reflects my current doldrums- the overstretched and bland existence that only succeeds to blow in a fresh breeze that shakes me awake every blue moon.
I'm not deep. I used to kind of believe i turned over some important issues- how could i have thought that? I spew out some pompous maxims on the generality of life- it becomes so tedious. I got lazy. I got cocky..i think. How am i supposed to figure out anything when i can't even be sure of my own identity? I'm serious- i have no idea who i am. I try to think how other people see me- i always come up with different hypotheses every time. Self-perception is so elusive- it flits about from your grasp- and when you think you've finally pinned it down, it turns to ash and air in your fingers. Is there even such thing as personal identity? Sometimes i can hardly believe there is. You can't rely on anybody to stay within the scopes of theirself. I'm constantly surprising myself by acting in ways that i would never do usually, and i think, is that me? Is that dry drollness, is that clumsy tongue-flapping, is that inexorable laziness a facet of my personality? How can they all coexist? How can these opposites be compatible in a single person? Who am i anyway?
I used to have aspirations to be a writer, i'll admit. It was a childhood fantasy, spurred by my grade four teacher. I recall her exact words when she handed back this story that i wrote:
"i'll be waiting to see your stories in the bookshops one day, Kate"
No, i lie, i don't recall her exact words. I said that for dramatic emphasis. hahah, i'm pitiful. Anyway, when she said that, i'm sure she had the best intentions. I mean, compliments are supposed to make you confident, right? Wrong. At least, it's the opposite for me. Most of the time, i really hate compliments. Want to know why? It's cause there's so much pressure attached to them. It means every time you slip, you think you're falling. You think you're plummetting, and you don't know if you'll ever be able to pick yourself up again. Everything seems to be always out of reach. Expectations are cruel.
Because of that, i've given up on dreaming. To aspire is to run the risk of devastating disappointment. Call that a sophism if you will. It may be...but i can't see it any other way. It may be why i still don't have a clue what i'm going to do with myself. Not a fuckin clue.
My theory also means every time i fail, i take on that failure as a part of myself. That's how i accept failure. I read in this book, "the social animal" that when other people, say, get a low mark on a test, we are likely to believe it is because they're a little bit more stupid than we thought them. We attach it to psychological factors. But if we do badly, we apportion it on 'bad luck' or a 'one off'. It's all about self-esteem, self-preservation, you could call it. Saving us from ourselves. I know i do that, sometimes...i'm not going to say that i'm separate from this human nature trait.
But not a lot. I try so hard not to deceive myself that i'm sure i do.
oh dear. I'm not making any sense. And i've been trying so hard to see the word more lucidly. That's a new goal in life. Add 'be clear' to the pile of 'be moral', 'be friendly' and 'find out what to be a 'good person' means. And always try. I guess that's all you've ever got to do. Try. That little world encompasses so much. Three letters.

QUOTE OF THE DAY: (Tim Winton, The Turning)

"When a wave breaks, the wtaer is not moving. The swell has travelled great distances but only the energy is moving, not the water. Perhaps time moves through us and not us through it. Seeing the Joneses on the street, the only people i recognise from the old days, just confirmed what i've thought since Alam Mannering circled me as his own, pointed me out with his jagged paling and left, that the past is in us, and not behind us. Things are never over."