31 things to do in a train

If one induces half a snigger, then i have by far exceeded my expectations.

THINGS TO DO IN A TRAIN.
[complied by an embarassingly inadequate kate]

1. Don't wash for a week, then take off your shoes, announcing 'ah! that's better!"
2. Bring a whoopee cushion. Be inventive
3. Limp feebly onto a full train (sound effects like hideous moans are also recommended). When someone stands up to offer their seat, pounce on it and shrik "HA HA!! SUCKERRS!"
4. When the train starts, chant 'chugga chugga, chugga chugga, chugga'. Get increasingly excited as the train picks up speed until you are hopping round the carriage shrieking excitedly 'CHUGGA CHUGGA, CHUGGA CHUGGA, CHUGGA CHUGGGGAAA!!!' Faint.
5. Pull out a pen from your briefcase. Use it to draw faces on your fingers. Play with them. Invite others to join.
6. Beam around at the passengers, before announcing loudly "i'm not wearing any underpants"
7. Wink suggestively every few seconds.
8. If you a man, wear a bra with a tightly fitting top underneath. Cross your arms and look embarrassed. If anyone stares, snap "i have a problem, ok"
9. Do a Darth Vador impression
10. Openly flick through porn magazines. Exclaim every now and again comments like "oh mama!" and "would you look at the size of THOSE!"
11. Sit down next to an empty seat. If someone moves to take it, yell "what are you doing? Charlies sitting there!" Cast them dark looks for the rest of the ride.
12. Listen to your i-pod. Feel free to sing along.
13. Wear the disguise glasses (the ones with the large nose and moustache and thick-rimmed glasses). Slump in your seat so you can't be seen in the window.
14. Sniff loudly, then wrinkle your nose. Bring out a bottle of perfume and spary it petulantly throughout the carriage.
15. If someone brushes up against you, jump and holler "STOP MOLESTING ME!!"
16. allow silence to prevail for a while, then announce "i'd like to talk about Jesus."
17. Settle down comfortably on your seat, rubbing your hands on your thighs excitedly. Look about in wonder while remarking to the person next to you "this is nice. Isn't this nice?"
18. Stand up and announce you are a sex addict. Wiggle your eyebrows suggestively.
19. Try to touch your nose with your tongue.
20. Introduce yourself personally to everyone in the carriage.
21. Shimmy down the aisles
22. Casually trip passengers as they stand up to go.
23. Stare at the person opposite for a while, then begin to laugh. Don't stop.
24. Do golem impersonations.
25. Explain with vigour why you believe aliens control Americas legal system.
26. Clutch onto the handle and whimper for the entire journey.
27. Fix a beady eye upon a man, then say accusingly "you're gay. I can sense it."
28. Pretend to fall asleep when standing.
29. Look horrified when you look at the person sitting in front of you. Take out your glasses, and colour them in black permanent marker. Put them on, looking relieved and say "that's better!"
30. Grunt
31. Look at someone sympathetically, smile sadly, and say "it's ok, dearie. We all know it's not your fault."

QUOTES OF THE DAY:

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. -- W.C. Fields

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. -- Noel Coward

The less people know about how sausages and laws are made, the better they'll sleep at night. -- Otto von Bismarck

"MAKE EM LAUGH, MAKE EM LAUGH, MAKE EM LAAAAUUUGH!!!" [song in Singin' in the Rain!]